To encapsulate this dilemma in a sentence, I got lost in the “wonder” of it all, and started to write that admiration toward film while at the same time also dreaming of making them.
Yes. No. Dark. Light. Evil. Good. Full. Empty. Something I notice in life is that people prefer to see things as binary opposition. In my humble opinion, I feel like we do this because it gives us ease, transforming this complex and sometimes incomprehensible world into something easier to be understood. Therefore, when we see everything as having two equal sides, we get curious about what’s in the middle; the gray area middling the black and the white. Like the purple cosmic mythos, Thanos, we find comfort when things are balanced and safely in our control. Balance can be everything, especially when juggling this “binary” world.
But is there such a thing as balance, or all of it is nothing but a myth? I genuinely think that the answer is yes. Of course, there is such a thing as balance. Because when two equal things contest each other from either side, there will always be a middle ground. It certainly exists, but I feel the question more worth asking is if “this balance” is actually humanely attainable? Because I believe that all people have their own biases and specific tastes about things, and when you try to handle two things at once, one of those things will most likely fall. At least in my point of view.
Okay, enough rambling. In all honesty, the two paragraphs above were typed so fast. It is raw, and unfiltered stress poured into the text. So here’s the thing, I’m currently in a situation where I either need to pick a side or enrage myself in finding that mythical ghost called “balance.” On one side, making movies has been my dream since I was a kid. The immense power you have when you create something from nothing always felt exciting and mesmerizing to me. Then all of a sudden, in the middle of falling in love with filmmaking, I discovered another passion for writing about film. At first glance, this probably does not seem like such a struggle. But I didn’t realize then that writing about films is a whole other world outside of filmmaking I haven’t yet embarked in. Therefore, when I realize writing is another realm, I struggle to dream; which end goal am I willing to reach? Is it making films or writing about them?
This question began to take a toll on me, especially when attending film school, where I was forced to pick one. In the fourth semester of my college, every student needs to choose an academic major as a focus. At that moment, I felt like I had arrived at a crucial yet painful intersection. The two choices I considered were either Film Directing or Film Studies. A perfect major for each of my interests. Devastatingly, when I arrived at this fork in the road, I somehow convinced myself that picking either one means leaving another dream behind.
After being confused and super lost at the time, I then convinced myself that maybe the simple thing is; that this is just college. If I have the grit and capability to make films, why not just make them? At the time, this was an attractive conclusion to this dilemma. And to be frank, making films through an academic curriculum sounds incredibly constraining and suffocating. In my point of view at the time, I feel like if I want to make movies, shouldn’t I just make them under my own will and control? What I didn’t realize then was that the constraints in making independent films still exist; just this time, the struggle was just a different and more significant species.
So I convinced myself to pick film studies as a major. As I expected, studying filmmaking academically in college went entirely out of the door. I now am focused on a more theoretical and critical aspect of film. In the classes, I didn’t study the inner workings of a camera or the efficient way to block a scene, but I did learn about cinema’s psychological effects or the film genre’s history. My attitude toward losing the opportunity to study filmmaking for the rest of college was to see it as a “trade-off.” The film studies major only consists of three people from my year, compared to the hundreds filling up the filmmaking majors. So, in a way, I feel lucky that I got the chance to learn things most people didn’t get to.
Though I did not regret picking film studies instead of film directing, I still aspire to make films outside of film school. This is where the search for balance comes in. Because when I got into the film studies major, I discovered that studying and making films are two vastly different things. Yet, I force myself to juggle both things in my life. What eventually came from this was confusion and exhaustion. I get painfully tired of trying to build myself on two different foundations. I find myself being two other persons, in practicing my love for cinema. Where to me, filmmaking and writing about films feel detached from one another.
The stress comes even more when there’s so little example in this industry of a modern filmmaker who could juggle both evenly. The closest modern filmmaker whom I idolized who manages to do so is Kogonada, a film essayist who recently ventured more into filmmaking with films like Columbus (2017) and After Yang (2021). But, in the end, the success of people like Kogonada is nothing but a vague and blurry example. Though I could safely say that we both share the same interests, I could never understand his struggles and journey. Unbeknownst to me, the opposite of this is just what I needed. All I need is to talk to someone with the same interests and struggles as me. In this journey, this is where Marcus Manh Cuong Vu comes into play as a solution. As one of the festival writer interns in Minikino, I gladly got the chance to speak with someone who shares these contesting interests and struggles to find a balance.
As we spoke through zoom, the chat felt like a therapy session. We talk about the notion of feeling at home and the struggles of searching for our true identities. What was even more therapeutic for me was that Marcus and I share the same interests, mirroring what I discussed above. As he explained through the meeting, he started as a film writer and programmer before venturing into filmmaking as a director and screenwriter. When I first heard him talk about this during the talk, I immediately prepared myself to ask the golden question of how Marcus found balance in juggling both things.
Marcus so eloquently shared that this is not necessarily a question of balance but a question of time. He said further that when I am ripe enough, whether to be a filmmaker or a film writer, I will simply be that. This simple answer to my question was all I needed to fix this dilemma. As Marcus filled up the entire screen of my laptop, I felt like he was speaking right at me, understanding not what I wanted to hear but what I fundamentally needed to hear. I realized that all this time, I was impatient. I naively act like every choice I was given was a choice that would change my life forever when it actually may not.
From now on, I aim to build myself patiently without rushing myself into the labels I create in my head. And as the time of writing, patience for me means “one thing at a time,” meaning what I need to do right now is to savor every opportunity time gives me to build myself as a person. Because, as Marcus said, when I am ripe enough, I will simply be what I dream of being.
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